Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
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I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Everyone’s family
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
My flabber has been gasted.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up