Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
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I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.