The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
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When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Customize Your Wedding.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.