LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over
LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
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Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
use this coupon for the pizza
whats the worst that could happen
[calls wife 10min later]
Im in something called pizza jail
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
It takes me roughly 7 secs into an episode of House Hunters to discover that my pure hatred of strangers still exists
In America, we decide to bomb people after a week of reflection, but have debated the legality of smoking a plant for 40 years
Joe Biden is such a dad. 😂
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would they fight for a belt when they don’t wear pants?