Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
You Might Also Like
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.