@Chumpstring
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
@roxiqt
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
@AlisonLeiby
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
@realfunghi
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
@3_livi
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
@murrman5
use this coupon for the pizza
its expired
whats the worst that could happen
[calls wife 10min later]
hello
Im in something called pizza jail
@ninjadinosaur1
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
@belleykell
It takes me roughly 7 secs into an episode of House Hunters to discover that my pure hatred of strangers still exists
@NicestHippo
In America, we decide to bomb people after a week of reflection, but have debated the legality of smoking a plant for 40 years
@ClassicDadMoves
Joe Biden is such a dad. 😂
@BoydPetrich
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would they fight for a belt when they don’t wear pants?