@Chumpstring

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

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@roxiqt

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

@AlisonLeiby

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

@realfunghi

Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.

Murder suspect: Me?

Me: Ahah, so you confess!

@3_livi

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

@murrman5

use this coupon for the pizza
its expired
whats the worst that could happen
[calls wife 10min later]
hello
Im in something called pizza jail

@belleykell

It takes me roughly 7 secs into an episode of House Hunters to discover that my pure hatred of strangers still exists

@NicestHippo

In America, we decide to bomb people after a week of reflection, but have debated the legality of smoking a plant for 40 years

@BoydPetrich

Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would they fight for a belt when they don’t wear pants?