Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
You Might Also Like
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
The glory of fall.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.