Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
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Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
This is my brand.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please