Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
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When you let grandma cat sit
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Don’t we all.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.