Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
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I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.