Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
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My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
A policeman just knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes…
My dogs don’t even own bikes..
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit