No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
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– me trying to eat with chopsticks.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Just ran over my neighbors cat. In fairness, though, the damn thing probably thought he was safe when he made it to the porch.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
OK. There’s several layers of fun to be had with this screen shot.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.