Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
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You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.