@That_Damn_Duck

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

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@usermcuserface

(Drops)
Damn it
(Drops)
Damn it
(Drops)
Damn it
(Stabs it)
(Drops)
Damn it

– me trying to eat with chopsticks.

@thagr8short1

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

@bfrosty04

Just ran over my neighbors cat. In fairness, though, the damn thing probably thought he was safe when he made it to the porch.

@daemonic3

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

@DanKaszeta

OK. There’s several layers of fun to be had with this screen shot.

@1_swarthy_dude

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

@jakewhitacre

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

@mommajessiec

Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.