Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
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The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Every time my phone rings
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend