Forgot we bought a Christmas tree. Woke up at 2 a.m., went to pee, thought it was a guy and almost called the cops on it.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
You Might Also Like
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
fun prank: text a girl “we need to talk right now” and then throw your phone into a river
I gave up carbs four minutes ago and seven people are dead.
Ghostbusters is my favorite movie where Bill Murray yells at a giant marshmallow man for stepping on a church.
I’m going to nap so hard today, my pillow Is going to need a cigarette when I’m done with it
Well that was embarrassing
– my headstone
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Just joined one of those Ashley Madison type websites. It’s called Twitter