Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
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Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Stop being racist to kettles.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now