@anerdonfire2

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

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@juliussharpe

Forgot we bought a Christmas tree. Woke up at 2 a.m., went to pee, thought it was a guy and almost called the cops on it.

@SocialExtortion

fun prank: text a girl “we need to talk right now” and then throw your phone into a river

@TheMichaelRock

Ghostbusters is my favorite movie where Bill Murray yells at a giant marshmallow man for stepping on a church.

@Geanina_26K

I’m going to nap so hard today, my pillow Is going to need a cigarette when I’m done with it

@BradBroaddus

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

@Tmoney68

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.

@tomatopasties

Just joined one of those Ashley Madison type websites. It’s called Twitter