unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
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Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
