Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
You Might Also Like
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
All excellent questions
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Dune (2021)
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.