“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
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“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.