*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
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Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?