*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
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My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
*puts words between two asterisks*
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.