Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
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I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”