Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
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ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
inside you are two wolves
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.