[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
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The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
uh oh
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.