Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
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Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
so this horse walks into a bar
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash