me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
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HELP 😭
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Yep.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
where the womens at?
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart