United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
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if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions