United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
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coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.