UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
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Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Weighing up my bread heating options