United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
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I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Pickled cat.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
No. YOU-buprofen.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)