How much of this “no more tears” shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
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*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Well at least the company is owning its mistake
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
INTERVIEWER: what makes you different?
ME: *begins levitating*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: *whispering to my pet chameleons* nice work guys
*pats crying child on the back*
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.