@bornmiserable

[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

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@leslid79

“I’m gonna cramp your style.” – Menstruation

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a unicorn.

Unicorn: lmao corn?

God: horn. unihorn. sorry I don’t know why I said corn.

Unicorn: omg God said I’m a unicorn!

God:

Unicorn: hello i’m one corn the horse nice to meet you rotfl.

God: [whispers] cancelled.

@shkeeber

1. Find homeless man.

2. Bathe him.

3. Wash & patch up his clothes.

4. Give him a record player.

5. Congratulations, you own a hipster.

@Izianikapani

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

@DurtMcHurtt

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

@krisv_723

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

@Sourcoast

Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except that IT’S NOT AND IT NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HELL, WHERE IT CAME FROM.

@Darlainky

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?