“I’m gonna cramp your style.” – Menstruation
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
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God: you’re a unicorn.
Unicorn: lmao corn?
God: horn. unihorn. sorry I don’t know why I said corn.
Unicorn: omg God said I’m a unicorn!
Unicorn: hello i’m one corn the horse nice to meet you rotfl.
God: [whispers] cancelled.
1. Find homeless man.
2. Bathe him.
3. Wash & patch up his clothes.
4. Give him a record player.
5. Congratulations, you own a hipster.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except that IT’S NOT AND IT NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HELL, WHERE IT CAME FROM.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda