@bornmiserable

[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

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@mrtruthandsoul

How much of this “no more tears” shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?

@MehrangizC

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

@TheAlexP

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

@CherBear162

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

@LurkAtHomeMom

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

@notacroc

INTERVIEWER: what makes you different?
ME: *begins levitating*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: *whispering to my pet chameleons* nice work guys

@abbycohenwl

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

@Donna_McCoy

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

@simoncholland

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.