[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
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Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
We’re all getting idioter.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING