Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*