When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
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-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
When I snag the last meatball.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview