Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
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my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.