Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
You Might Also Like
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
need him
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there