@LuvPug

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

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@jellybnbonanza

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

@joci2203

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

@isabelzawtun

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

@elle91

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat

@food_shoes_life

Bikini season is just around the corner.

Unfortunately, so is the Mexican restaurant.

@jjhartinger

1995: [goes to store, video is rented] Maybe next time

2017: [netflix takes 5 mins to load] This is a nightmare

@TragicAllyHere

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

@SardonicTart

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

@Lisabug74

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*