Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

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If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.


All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.


Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it


Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat


Bikini season is just around the corner.

Unfortunately, so is the Mexican restaurant.


1995: [goes to store, video is rented] Maybe next time

2017: [netflix takes 5 mins to load] This is a nightmare


Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.


Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.


Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.


[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*