@AndrewR31

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

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@poutinesmoothie

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

@trevso_electric

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

@dancingchimera

Doctor: how did you hurt your back?

Me: well, I was lying in bed …

Doctor: and?

Me: that’s it

@chestrovert

Gonna start telling small children that they look great for their age

@sonictyrant

Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy?

Witness: that looks nothing like him

Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN

@ChaseMit

Just found out Fox News’s website has a Science section, which I assume links to a video of Sean Hannity screaming at a biology textbook.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

@AndyAsAdjective

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

@1evilidiot

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.