Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
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I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
road rage
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause