If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
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Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Me: that’s it
Gonna start telling small children that they look great for their age
Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy?
Witness: that looks nothing like him
Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Just found out Fox News’s website has a Science section, which I assume links to a video of Sean Hannity screaming at a biology textbook.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.