Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

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NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.


In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”


Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you


My girlfriend is currently crying because she thought the $70 she wanted to spend on “adopting” a koala bear from the Australian brush fires was actually going to physically get her a koala bear. Like they would just Fedex that shit to us, and not just her become a sponsor.


Wife: Why the hell did you buy a buffalo?

Me: I’d rather have a buffalo and not need it than need a buffalo and not have it.


Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away!

Well grandma, that’s how organ donation works.


[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?


*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*