Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
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they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.