Woman on the plane just asked her crying son “are you gonna be a gangsta or a crybaby” I’m like damn are these the only options?
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
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Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?
How about your kid?
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Blood oranges at the farmer’s market. What am I, The Lord of War? Peddle your conflict fruit someplace else.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Trick people into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it