Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
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bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Goes to bed*
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
“Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we’re giving you up for adoption.”
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.