Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
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I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.