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COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Merica.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up