my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
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wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Canadian owl: Eh?
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.