her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Unless you met your spouse while committing a diamond heist, I don’t need to hear how you got together.
You Might Also Like
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because you were the only car in the lot and I parked so close you couldn’t open your door.
Who called it confronting ur husband Stanley about flirty texts from a girl named Rebecca from a former soviet state and not Who’sbeckystan?
“Please stop misquoting me on Twitter,” said my boss. “It makes me sad because I am a large baby with a stupid haircut”
*Astronaut takes a photo of Earth from space*
Earth: “Delete it.”
I don’t steal my tweets from song lyrics!
Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.