@BritXNic

Unless you met your spouse while committing a diamond heist, I don’t need to hear how you got together.

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@FredTaming

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

@Manda_like_wine

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

@badbanana

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

@Neauxpe

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because you were the only car in the lot and I parked so close you couldn’t open your door.

@jazmasta

Who called it confronting ur husband Stanley about flirty texts from a girl named Rebecca from a former soviet state and not Who’sbeckystan?

@_mindflakes

“Please stop misquoting me on Twitter,” said my boss. “It makes me sad because I am a large baby with a stupid haircut”

@_mascaragirl

*Astronaut takes a photo of Earth from space*

Earth: “Delete it.”

@KindOfASmartass

I don’t steal my tweets from song lyrics!

Seriously.

Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.

@iGreenGod

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars