Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
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“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
#parenting
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!