My hips? Compulsive liars.
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If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.