Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
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My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
smh
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
do u think theres a butter planet?
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.