@notsoevilrick

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

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@retniw_nuf

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

@dank_dino

*judge bangs gavel on desk*
*judge cooks gavel breakfast in the morning*
*judge tell gavel he loves her*
*judge marries gavel*

@Breadery

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

@sfreeze6

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

@NoogsCorner

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

@HoldinCoffeeld

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

@LlamaInaTux

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

@Cheeseboy22

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.