I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
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*judge bangs gavel on desk*
*judge cooks gavel breakfast in the morning*
*judge tell gavel he loves her*
*judge marries gavel*
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
All is fair in drunk and war.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.