@pittdave13

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

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@I_Bl33d_Purple

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

@haggierto

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

@rudepundit

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

@PleaseBeGneiss

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

@ibid78

He died doing what he loved: checking to see if wolves are ticklish.

@50NerdsofGrey

‘I’ve been a very bad girl,’ she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’
‘Very well,’ he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.

@Mamaoutoforder

We’ve been trying to teach 3 what to do in case of an emergency. Yesterday we tested her, “what would you do if you found me on the floor and you couldn’t wake me up?” I could see her little brain working. She finally said, “I would go into the kitchen and eat anything I want.”

@marthasa1

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

@YourMomsucksTho

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird