Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
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I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I WON A HAM TODAY
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.