Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
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Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.