“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
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My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
He’d probably stop sending me “good morning, beautiful” texts if he saw how many chins pop out when I look down to read it.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
*opens jar of wasps*
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.