Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
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Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically