@Fickle_Filly

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

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@headstrong_girl

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

@GoldenSpirals

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

@DaddyJew

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

@kimlockhartga

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

@SICKOFWOLVES

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

@MarieLoerzel

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

@Sassafrantz

He’d probably stop sending me “good morning, beautiful” texts if he saw how many chins pop out when I look down to read it.

@RandomAntics

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

@ehchino

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

@MenMusings

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.