Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
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Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*