Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
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me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.