Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
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I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job