To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
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I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.