Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
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reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
another case of gang violins
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.