Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

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They told me to spread love wherever I go.

Now everyone is complaining about being covered in Nutella.
You can never win with some people.


Interviewer: how do you feel about traveling?

Me: oh I dont know, I mean I just met you


Me: Do you want a burger or a hot dog?

Her: Neither. I’m vegan.

Me: Feel free to eat as much grass as you want.


My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.


A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.


Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.


[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.


Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.


[1st Date]

Brain: Be cool, gurl
Him: Hi, I’m Ja-
Me: Toilet paper should be called crapkins
Netflix: So… Just you and me again, eh?


They probably could have called lightbulbs, just “bulbs”. Most people would still get it.