Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
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It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
#StillHurts
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.