@Elizasoul80

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

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@the_anastasia

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

@WittySassBasket

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

@Michael1979

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

@TheRealPalMal

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

@TheToddWilliams

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

@jake_lach

You think you have your anger issues under control until someone starts telling an important story while they’re chewing

@carychowESPN

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

@RodLacroix

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

@WheelTod

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.