Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

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If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.


I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.



4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill


[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.


This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.


You think you have your anger issues under control until someone starts telling an important story while they’re chewing


I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.


Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here


“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.