Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
You Might Also Like
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.