unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
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Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.