Hurricanes should have scary names that instill a proper sense of alarm. Names like GOLTOG HARVESTER OF SOULS or Britni.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
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“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
racist frat dudes.. now ive seen everything.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
zoo keeper: your husband was mauled to death trying to enter the wolf enclosure
wife: [sobbing] you sure it’s him?
zoo keeper: he was shouting “free the moon puppies”
wife: yea it’s him
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.