@Gooooats
Hurricanes should have scary names that instill a proper sense of alarm. Names like GOLTOG HARVESTER OF SOULS or Britni.
@ThisOneSayz
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
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@Gooooats
@JuliaChildCIA
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
@dogboner
racist frat dudes.. now ive seen everything.
@LindaInDisguise
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
@tweetsbyrocket
zoo keeper: your husband was mauled to death trying to enter the wolf enclosure
wife: [sobbing] you sure it’s him?
zoo keeper: he was shouting “free the moon puppies”
wife: yea it’s him
@bartandsoul
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
@chrisanna4real
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
@Tmoney68
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
@dave_cactus
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
@Darlainky
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.