@ThisOneSayz

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

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@Gooooats

Hurricanes should have scary names that instill a proper sense of alarm. Names like GOLTOG HARVESTER OF SOULS or Britni.

@JuliaChildCIA

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

@LindaInDisguise

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

@tweetsbyrocket

zoo keeper: your husband was mauled to death trying to enter the wolf enclosure

wife: [sobbing] you sure it’s him?

zoo keeper: he was shouting “free the moon puppies”

wife: yea it’s him

@bartandsoul

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

@chrisanna4real

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

@Tmoney68

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

@dave_cactus

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

@Darlainky

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.