Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
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new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
what
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry